MARY RAMBLING

I CAME HOME FROM CHURCH AND ALL OF A SUDDEN A WAVE OF DEPRESSION CAME OVER ME SO BAD THAT I CAN NOT SLEEP.

IT HAS BEEN A ROUGH WEEK OR SO. MY BLOOD SUGARS HAVE BEEN OUT OF CONTROL. THEY HAVE BEEN RANGING FROM 60 TO 300 ALL UP A DOWN . i HAVE TO GO IN FOR MORE TESTING I AM NOT ABLE TO GET IT UNDER CONTROL LAST WEEK WEDNESDAY IT BOTTOMED OUT SO BAD, BUT O F COURSE I HAD NOT EAT FOR OVER A DAY.DUE TO LACK OF MONEY FOR FOOD. BUT GOD DID SUPPLY THE NEED TO GET SOME FOOD. THEN SATURDAY MY TV JUST DIED, I DONT WATCH THAT MUCH TV BUT IT IS NICE TO HAVE AT NIGHT ,,,,BUT GOD MADE A WAY FOR SOME FRIENDS TO GIVE ME A TV. AND THEN OF COURSE MY COMPUTER CRASHED A FEW WEEKS AGO, AND GOD SUPPLIED THE NEED THERE TOO.

THE MESSAGE TONIGHT WAS ABOUT HOW WE ARE ALIVE IN CHRIST. AND HOW HE HAS RAISED UP TO HEAVENLY PLACES. HOW WE WERE DEAD IN OUR SINS BUT CHRIST MADE THE WAY TO BE RECONCILED BACK TO GOD.

KNOWING THAT I AM A CHILD OF GOD AND FRIEND OF GOD. AND I SEE HOW HE DID SUPPLY MY NEEDS ABOVE WHY AM I DEPRESSED. WHY AM I SITTING HERE WITH TEARS RUNNING DOWN MY FACE
FROM DEPRESION. YEAH MAYBE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY BLOOD SUGARS BEING OFF.

MY MIND IS TELLING ME THERE IS NEXT WEEK WHAT WILL I DO NEXT WEEK HOW WILL I MAKE IT THROUGH. GOD HAS PROVED HIMSELF HOW COME I CAN NOT BELIEVE HE WILL GET ME THROUGH NEXT WEEK AS WELL. I KNOW I HAVE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME AND CARE ABOUT YET THE DEVIL IS TRYING TO TELL ME AGAIN TONIGHT YOU ARE ALL ALONE. THAT IS NOT TRUE. I MY NOT HAVE BLOOD FAMILY....BUT I DO HAVE A CHRISTIAN FAMILY WHO CARES,, LIKE I SAID THE ENEMY IS COMING IN LIKE WILD FIRE TONIGHT SAYING DIFFERENT. I TRY TO TAKE THOSE THOUGHTS CAPTIVE AND I FEEL LIKE I AM BEATING MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL.

I AM PRAYING AND ADVERTISING FOR MORE STUDENTS. ADS ARE NOT BEING ANSWERED. I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE WHO IS LITTLE FAITH I REALLY DON'T. I DON'T WANT TO APPEAR UNGRATEFUL FOR WHAT ALL GOD HAS DONE.

OH GOD GIVE ME THE FAITH TO BELIEVE. HELP ME TO TRUST. YOU HAVE PROVEN YOURSELF OVER AND OVER AGAIN. HELP ME TO KNOW YOU ARE MY PROVIDER. HEALER, DELIVERER,

OK LIKE I SAID BEFORE THIS IS JUST MY ONLINE JOURNAL FORGIVE ME FOR THINKING OUTLOUD SO TO SAY.

SUNDAY SILLINESS....OK IM BORED ALRIGHT

JUST WANTED TO HAVE SOME FUN THIS AFTERNOON SPENT ALOT IN URGENT CARE THIS WEEK MY BLOOD SUGAR LEVELS ARE OUT OF CONTROL. THEY GO WAY LOW THEN WAY TO HIGH. I HAVE TO GO FOR A 8 HOUR GLUTOSE TEST TOMORROW, TO SEE WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY DIABETES. WHAT A WEEK I HAD.
BUT GOD IS FAITHFUL TO SUPPLY I FOUND THAT OUT.
RAN OUT OF MONEY FOR FOOD..... GOD SUPPLIED
LAST WEEK COMPUTER CRASHED......GOD SUPPLIED
BLOOD SUGARS LEVEL CRASHED......TESTING TOMORROW.
MY TV DIED YESTERDAY............GOD WILL SUPPLY.. SOMEONE HAS ONE THEY WILL GIVE ME ONE OF MY PIANO STUDENTS SAID THEY HAD AN EXTRA ONE.

TODAY DEPRESSION IS TRYING TO GET THE BEST OF ME AGAIN AND I KNOW SOME OF IT HAS TO DO WITH MY HEALTH. AND MY LONLINESS, I WISH THERE WAS SOMEONE AROUND RIGHT NOW JUST TO SIT AND HAVE COFFEE WITH OR SOMETHING. BUT GOD WILL SUPPLY I KNOW THAT HE HAS PROVED HIMSELF TO MANY TIMES THIS PAST TWO WEEKS.

SORRY JUST THINKING OUT LOUD THAT IS WHY I STARTED THIS BLOG IN THE FIRST PLACE WAS TO THINK ON PAPER.

SOMETIMES I WONDER

Today I am wondering as I sit here why it seems the more you try to get close to God the worse things get for you. Today I found out that a good friend of mine who tries to live a good clean life lost her job. And lately the closer I try to get to God, the more health problems I encounter. Other people I know that are some of the most Godly people I know have all kinds of money problems, And as I read the verse that if God cares about the sparrow he will take care of you. Well I wonder sometimes, why the ungodly seem to prosper and the people who love God with all there heart are in such a place. Am I being disrespectful to God by asking these questions? I don't know, Why does it always seem that people who love God have nothing. But then when christians claim prosperity they are made fun of, Im not saying I go along with all that name it claim it stuff but what is wrong with Christians having nice things ? Maybe not even nice things but enough to pay my bills. I try to do what is right. I know I am not the only one is this spot but I wonder sometimes is God really taking care of his children? Please don't label me a heretic for asking this,,,but again God where are you?

EASTER SUNDAY

Well here it is Easter Sunday and I did not make it to church today. I really wanted to go to Huntington Beach for church , but once again panic kept me home. I was ready to go and all ready to leave and panic just struck my heart. Now on top of that I am sad that I did not make it to church on Easter of all days. My week ahead if fairly busy, I am hoping that my health holds up this week so that I can work all week, Bills are piling up and no money to pay them. I am at my wits end here, and I know I am not the only one who has money issues it seems like everyone does now a days and withthe price of gas right now it has hit me really hard since I drive to each appointment, and I can not raise prices because they are on a contract for a year and a certain price so I am stuck til January,

Yesterday I was reading another blog and my former Pastors Name came up and I can not believe how angry I got that he was leading worship at another church on Good Friday, this is a man who stold moeny from a church and has been inappropreate with young girls. and this other pastor had the nerve to have him lead worship. it made me so mad that I said some angry things on that blog about him then later felt bad about it and went back and said I was sorry not that it was not the truth it just did not need to be said is all.

Well I may come on and post more later right now, I think I will just play with Chip my darling cockateil.

Well it is nighttime now and I have not done anything all day. I am so depressed today it is days like this that make me want to say why go on. Everyone tells me God has a purpose for me to be here but what just to be miserable? I really do not have any reason to be here, some would argue that with me. well anyway I won't go on about it, just a very bad and lonely day.

FRIDAY MARCH 21 2008

Today is Good Friday, yet I am very sad today. Why am I sad I don't know it is just how depression works never really need a reason. I was told recently that if I really trusted God I would never be depressed. And I have been told to just snap out of it and no one has given me a snapper to snap out of it,
Let me say this I know Jesus died for me and he is ulitimatly the healer of all depression and panic attacks and I do love God with all my heart. And I am tired of people telling me that I have a lack of faith because I get depressed.

I know people do not understand and sometimes there statements are well meaning but they hurt just the same. I find myself today wondering why, why all this depression. I know I have some reasons today, with all the illnesses I have been told I have and because of illness I have not been able to go to all my classes so right now money is a big issue ,

But in all of this I know God is in control. but it is still hurts when the panic and depression comes.

DAY OF TEARS AND DEPRESSION

Today has been a day of many tears. Depression has seemed to take over today, and not feeling well physically does not help either, I had two students cancel lessons today and finacially that is devasting to me, I was sick last month and missed some work and so now this month I am in a place where I can not pay the rest of my bills this month, Hopefully they will understand and make some arrangements with me,

I did meet with my Pastor today, and we talked about forgiveness and the connection it can have with physical illness, I am trying to deal with learning forgiveness of people who have hurt me in the past and my pastor said today that there is a verse that says that you don't forgive your Heavenly Father will not forgive you , that is a very scary verse. I asked him how do you know when you have totally forgiven someone, he said when it is brought up it does not hurt anymore, that there is only a scar not an open wound,

I do pray and pray asking God to take the hurt away of all the things of the past. And even some recent hurts. The pain will not go away, I want it to I really do. I don't want to hold on to all this junk.

I hate when depression takes over like it has today and when the panic attacks run rapid like today, It make me isolate and hide that is where I am at today, not answering my phone just hiding. I am praying and reading the word and really crying out to God I do not want to stay in this place. That is why I go to counseling with a counselor and also with my Pastor I don't want things to stay the same I want change, Oh Man I sound Like Obama there I WANT CHANGE, that is not an endorsement of him, just a statement. Well if anyone is reading this which I think this is more just for me than anything if you would pray that would be great.

I want to try to go to church tonight but that will all depend if I can leave my room and if the panic attacks stop. Well enough for now maybe later I will post and maybe not.