Today I am wondering as I sit here why it seems the more you try to get close to God the worse things get for you. Today I found out that a good friend of mine who tries to live a good clean life lost her job. And lately the closer I try to get to God, the more health problems I encounter. Other people I know that are some of the most Godly people I know have all kinds of money problems, And as I read the verse that if God cares about the sparrow he will take care of you. Well I wonder sometimes, why the ungodly seem to prosper and the people who love God with all there heart are in such a place. Am I being disrespectful to God by asking these questions? I don't know, Why does it always seem that people who love God have nothing. But then when christians claim prosperity they are made fun of, Im not saying I go along with all that name it claim it stuff but what is wrong with Christians having nice things ? Maybe not even nice things but enough to pay my bills. I try to do what is right. I know I am not the only one is this spot but I wonder sometimes is God really taking care of his children? Please don't label me a heretic for asking this,,,but again God where are you?
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Today has been a very hard day for me. Depression has run wild in my life today. I feel like my prayers do not get past the ceiling. I feel like giving up today. I'm wondering why my meds don't kick in a work for me anymore or if they ever did. Everything in me wants to cry out God where are you? Here I sit all alone hiding behind a screen writing on different blogs. It is easier that way, because no one really has to see the real you. No that I lie on the blogs or anything, but you can hide things you don't want them to know as to where in person you can't. well you can but not as easy as behind a screen. I get afraid to let people see the real me for fear that they won't like what they see. Or that I am not as good as them. I always feel inferior to people no matter who it is.
Part of me right now wants to run so far away and just disappear from the face of the earth. God I hate this depression. Right now there is this dark clould over me that won't go away.
GOD WHERE ARE YOU.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Well here it is Easter Sunday and I did not make it to church today. I really wanted to go to Huntington Beach for church , but once again panic kept me home. I was ready to go and all ready to leave and panic just struck my heart. Now on top of that I am sad that I did not make it to church on Easter of all days. My week ahead if fairly busy, I am hoping that my health holds up this week so that I can work all week, Bills are piling up and no money to pay them. I am at my wits end here, and I know I am not the only one who has money issues it seems like everyone does now a days and withthe price of gas right now it has hit me really hard since I drive to each appointment, and I can not raise prices because they are on a contract for a year and a certain price so I am stuck til January,
Yesterday I was reading another blog and my former Pastors Name came up and I can not believe how angry I got that he was leading worship at another church on Good Friday, this is a man who stold moeny from a church and has been inappropreate with young girls. and this other pastor had the nerve to have him lead worship. it made me so mad that I said some angry things on that blog about him then later felt bad about it and went back and said I was sorry not that it was not the truth it just did not need to be said is all.
Well I may come on and post more later right now, I think I will just play with Chip my darling cockateil.
Well it is nighttime now and I have not done anything all day. I am so depressed today it is days like this that make me want to say why go on. Everyone tells me God has a purpose for me to be here but what just to be miserable? I really do not have any reason to be here, some would argue that with me. well anyway I won't go on about it, just a very bad and lonely day.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Today is Good Friday, yet I am very sad today. Why am I sad I don't know it is just how depression works never really need a reason. I was told recently that if I really trusted God I would never be depressed. And I have been told to just snap out of it and no one has given me a snapper to snap out of it,
Let me say this I know Jesus died for me and he is ulitimatly the healer of all depression and panic attacks and I do love God with all my heart. And I am tired of people telling me that I have a lack of faith because I get depressed.
I know people do not understand and sometimes there statements are well meaning but they hurt just the same. I find myself today wondering why, why all this depression. I know I have some reasons today, with all the illnesses I have been told I have and because of illness I have not been able to go to all my classes so right now money is a big issue ,
But in all of this I know God is in control. but it is still hurts when the panic and depression comes.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Today has been a day of many tears. Depression has seemed to take over today, and not feeling well physically does not help either, I had two students cancel lessons today and finacially that is devasting to me, I was sick last month and missed some work and so now this month I am in a place where I can not pay the rest of my bills this month, Hopefully they will understand and make some arrangements with me,
I did meet with my Pastor today, and we talked about forgiveness and the connection it can have with physical illness, I am trying to deal with learning forgiveness of people who have hurt me in the past and my pastor said today that there is a verse that says that you don't forgive your Heavenly Father will not forgive you , that is a very scary verse. I asked him how do you know when you have totally forgiven someone, he said when it is brought up it does not hurt anymore, that there is only a scar not an open wound,
I do pray and pray asking God to take the hurt away of all the things of the past. And even some recent hurts. The pain will not go away, I want it to I really do. I don't want to hold on to all this junk.
I hate when depression takes over like it has today and when the panic attacks run rapid like today, It make me isolate and hide that is where I am at today, not answering my phone just hiding. I am praying and reading the word and really crying out to God I do not want to stay in this place. That is why I go to counseling with a counselor and also with my Pastor I don't want things to stay the same I want change, Oh Man I sound Like Obama there I WANT CHANGE, that is not an endorsement of him, just a statement. Well if anyone is reading this which I think this is more just for me than anything if you would pray that would be great.
I want to try to go to church tonight but that will all depend if I can leave my room and if the panic attacks stop. Well enough for now maybe later I will post and maybe not.
Monday, March 17, 2008
I stayed with the nuns for two years. Like I said they were good to me but real strict, I never went to church services because I was not Catholic and my cousin told them not to make me go if I did not want to. By this time my Aunt had called my mom and told her that my cousin had me but she was not going to tell where I was, My mom said that she was just glad to know I was safe. I think if she really cared about my safety she would of done something about it, Later in life she told me what could I do he said he would harm the rest of us if we said anything To me that was not a good answer, I would of gotten my child and got out of there, I stayed with the Nuns for two years when I was 15 I left there and went back to Detroit, found myself living with some Hells Angels. No I never became a biker, but they took good care fo me, and never ever did anything to me , They put me through school and also Music School and then the University Of Michigan where I got my masters in music,
When I was twenty five my mom called me and said my dad was dying and he wanted to see me, I did not want to go, but John who was one of the Hells Angels said you need to go maybe you will hear what you always wanted to hear and that is for him to say he was sorry for what he had done, Well I went and when I went in to see my dad he motioned for me to come near his bed so I did and he said I just want you to know I will hate you to my grave, . I never understood and still don't understand why he hated me, what could a child do to make someone hate them that bad, I was three or so when all this stuff started to happen, what could I have done,
Well after 25 years of not going to church , I finally went back once I moved to California I went to Calvary Chapel In Aliso Viejo California where Danny Bond was the pastor. and after being there for several years and becoming a part of the church again, I found out that Danny was beating his wife and a abusive man, well I got out of there, Then from there I went to Calvary Laguna where Joe Sabolick was the Pastor and after really being involved there Joe was removed for stealing money and being in appropreat young girls.
Well I was never going to go to church again, by this time I just thought all pastors were jerks, starting with my dad, Now I do go to a church here in San Clemente, where the pastor here Chris Gleason has really tried to help me, he set me up with counseling with a Grief Counselor a long with counseling with Chris I am now trying to find forgiveness in my heart for all these people .
Awhile back ago, I was sent some old home movies of the abuse my dad actually filmed it and it made me wonder who was holding the camera and now I know it was my mom,
GOD HELP ME TO FORGIVE
That is where my journey is now the road to forgiveness and this is what I will post from now on.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
I was born December 12 1954, I will not go through my entire childhood, since it is a pretty sad story, but will just fill you in a bit to know the background I came from,
My father was a Baptist Pastor. It was hard for me to be in church when he was preaching because at home from as far back as I can remember my dad use to beat me and molest me, I can remember being in bed at night and in the middle of the night my dad would come into my room and start touching me in places he should not be touching me, and then he would beat me and tell me how awful I was because I allowed him to do this, So from the time when I was little til now I still have alot ofguilt, guilt I should not be feeling. One time when my mom was on a business trip my dad said I needed to be punished for all the things that I let him do to me and locked me in a coal bin,,,we had a coal burning furnace and we had a bin in the basement where he locked me in for 2 days there were mice and rats in there and I kept trying to crawl up on the coal to get away from them, to this day I can not stand to see a mouse or rat, anyway I won't go on anymore about it is best just to say I went through all kinds of abuse that no one would ever believe.
As I got older he went from just touching to other things, and would still blame me for it, and would still beat me for it . Well when I was 13 I had enough I was tired of hiding all the injuries I had, I called my cousin who was a priest in Ohio and he came and got me I ran away to a friends house and that is where I called him, Well I could not go to his house that is one of the first places they would look so he hid me in the Convent with the nuns, they were nice to me, strict but nice,
One of the biggest things to me was why didn't anyone do anything about what was being done to me, Why didn't my mom or my sisters step in and do something, I had married sisters at the time and later they told me that what could they do. well anyway, I still have to deal with forgiveness issues, I told you this was a journey I want to share, And will share more as the days go by, but I never want to make the post to long even though I am probably the who will ever read this, only one
Thursday, March 13, 2008
MY BEST MEDICINE COME WITH WINGS AND FEATHERS
The best medicine I have right now is my darling Cockateil. His name is Chip. He is here with me 24/7 always there with a kiss or a birdie hug,
Don't get me wrong I have friends good friends, but as much as some of them would like to be they can not be here 24/7 with me. In the night when I am in so much pain, my baby comes with me and just sits with me,
Anyway this blog is more or less going to be a log of my journey with all the diseases the doctors have said I have. along with my depression and panic issues,
I would ask that other come along and say hi if they want to , Im not trying to make this a big blog but just a log of my journey you want to share your journey or mine come along with me,